Friday, 2 January 2015

Happy Birthday Dad

Caught looking grumpy after a day at
White Water World without sunscreen.
Thanks for that last trip to Queensland. I'm so glad I got to spend five days with you for my birthday. Thanks for going on the kiddy roller coaster with me, and admitting it was the best one in the park, even if we barely squeezed into the seats. Thanks for tolerating me stubbornly insisting we don't eat any junk food. Except in Theme Parks, where it's $10 hotdogs or $50 sit-down three course meals. What's up with that anyway?

Thank you for teaching me to drive. And for not laughing at me too much as you did.

Thanks for never taking over any project I was doing, no matter how badly I was screwing it up. Thanks for helping me fix everything after. You taught me that asking for help isn't a problem, if you tried your hardest first. You showed me that I can do anything, but I'm going to screw it up a few times first.

Thank you for teaching me how to shout at TV. It's an important life skill that I couldn't function without.

Thank you for your quiet stubborn independence. I can count on one hand the times I saw you lose your temper, and every time you were the one to pick up the pieces. I wouldn't have the tenacity I do today if I hadn't seen you work through everything with such determination. I wish you had stayed around to teach me more.
Remember to take photos - this is a long time ago

Thank you for never once batting an eyelid when you found me covered in sawdust, with PVC glue on my face and nails littered on the ground. I'm sorry for the swearing on those days. I'm sorry I kept you out past sunset, or in the rain trying to make some of my far-fetched ideas function.

Thank you for disapproving of every idiot I ever dated. You were right. I think you'd like the current one though. I'm sorry I didn't bring him home sooner.

Thank you for the two hour round trips to horse-riding lessons. I don't know what you did while I was having the lessons but you never complained, even though you wouldn't have had time to drive home while I was in classes. And the 20 minutes each way to gymnastics. And the guitar you bought me. And for taking me to Karate classes. Sorry I never stuck with a hobby.

Thank you for never belittling my life choices, yet always quietly telling me you thought I could achieve more.

I'm sorry I took you for granted.

I'm sorry I thought you would always be there.

I'm sorry that I missed the signs.

I never imagined you were flawed. I could never have imagined anything you couldn't deal with. I thought you were perfect.

I'm sorry. I was afraid of your temper and I shouldn't have been. I was scared to talk to you, and I'm so disappointed in myself for our last conversation. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage you let you open up. That was always how we treated our problems, waiting until the other person had calmed down before we talked about them. It was stupid.

I'm sorry I pushed you towards what I thought would make you happier. I'm sorry I didn't push you hard enough to take that step. I knew you were unhappy with your life. I didn't realise you felt so trapped in it.

I'm Sorry Dad.

I love you. And I miss you. Life was better with you in it.

Thank you for being the best person I have ever met. For being an amazing father, as well as an amazing person. I know you were kind of shy and had trouble making friends but there were so many people at your funeral. Every single one of them had something to say about how you had helped them, made them laugh, encouraged them. I don't know if you realised how many people's lives you had effected.

Happy Birthday.

Lifeline - 13 11 14
Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636 
If you're outside Australia -

I know it's hard to talk to people and to reach out when you have that empty hollow pain in your chest and it seems like there is no point to life anymore. All I can say is Just Fucking Do It. Even if all you do is hug a pillow/cat/dog and cry, reach out to someone. Even a stranger at the end of a helpline. You are worth it. You matter. 


1 comment:

  1. That's very touching and heartbreaking at the same time.


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